it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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