Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
