I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cannot find my penis.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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