Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
