a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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