Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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