I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
