did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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