I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
