dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
