Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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