Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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