i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
