don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
