Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
