if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's like God shit irony all over that family
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Boobs are out for the taking
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
