You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
