I am in a vortex of obligation.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
