I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
