Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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