i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
PANTIES FOUND
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