was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
