I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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