Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
