I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
