The maid of honor just puked.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
