You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
