when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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