He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
