If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
