Will you blow on my dice?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
