Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I will pee on everything he values.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
