you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
