I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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