Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
