even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
