CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
