I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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