I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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