i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
