You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We just shotgunned beers for America
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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