haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
