you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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