A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
