Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
