True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
