Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
