so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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