she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
