# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
