was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
