If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
