I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
