she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
