I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
