This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
