Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
