You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
