i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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