am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
